Why can't I see?

Did you know that I used to be a writer? I did! I used to be a creative writer, I dabbled in all areas: prose, short story, free write, but focussed on poetry. It used to be that I could not break out my journal fast enough to write something down. I took all the classes in high school I was allowed by curriculum, I was a member of the Creative Writing Club for 3 years, and I was a contributing writer and editor to my high school's literary composition. I wrote for my high school newspaper, and was the solo sportswriter for the paper for 2 years. I was pretty good, too.

I have not written, creatively, since my freshman year of college, in 2003. Almost 6 years ago. Not only did I used to be a writer, I aspired to be one as well! If I were to transform back into that mindset, I would definitely need to break out my Little, Brown!!!

Someone asked me recently if where I was today was where I thought I would be when I graduated. Automatically, without a thought at all, my answer is no. I thought that I would be in my career, making money, happy as can be. I thought I would be a writer: a journalist, a teacher, a columnist. I thought I would be a college graduate. Daresay, I thought everything would be going well for me.

Now before you start thinking, wow! She has a job in economic crisis! She has a roof over her head and food on her table! She has family and friends that love and support her! What is she whining for? I know that I have all those things, I am blessed. I am 53 days from marrying the man of my dreams. But working for less than I am worth in a retail job, unfinished in my college path, clueless as to how I will be able to make things happen for myself, lost in my spirituality, seemily unmotivated, self conscious in my appearance, worrying about a sister who is in trouble, sad for an unemployed mother and envious of others is NOT where I thought I would be at 23.

What frusterates me the most is not my unfulfilled goals. It's that I cannot grasp a hold on letting go of my stress. Constant stress. I hold onto it all, never letting anyone help me. It has aged me, it has hurt me, it has strained me. I refuse to let go of the control of my life. Even to God. And this is a downfall for me.

Scott and I made the decision to persue a life with Christ together. We wanted to better ourselves, better our relationship and prepare for a life and family that is based in the pureness and love in Christ. That was over a year ago. I feel like Scott is attaining his goal of being closer to God and following a life that God wants. He just looks happier and has improved his way of living. I feel like I am standing just over the starting line, bitter and helpless.

I should be releshing in this time of my life. I am preparing for the happiest day of my life, before having children. My wedding day! And as excited as I am, this seems to be the most stressful time for me. I knew that it would be difficult and that there would be road blocks, but I feel like it is stressing me out, and one of the reasons is because marriage is one of those mile markers in your life that makes you think about where you are. It reminds me that I am unsatisfied with where I am professionally.

That said, I am completely satisfied with my relationship. I could not be marrying a better man, and I know how blessed I am. It's okay to be jealous, we are just as happy as we look! :-) And he supports me. He knows how I feel, and is happy to help me through it. But a lot of it, I am going to have to do on my own...

Hooray for Invitations!

My mom and I just finished printing my wedding invitations! And response cards...and addres labels...and return address labels. Ahhh.... still not done. As I sat here (not in vain) printing each invitation off one by one, she put stamps on the response card envelopes and the invitation envelopes. We are now going to adorn each invite with ribbon, and then stuff them, and put the labels on.

Sigh.

But then they will be mailed! :-)

Sixty Five Days

So with a little encouragement, I am journaling today. (Thanks, JP)

If there are any brides or past brides out there, reading this, then the title of my post should be a indication of where I am mentally. I am going out of my mind with wedding to do's and trying to balance work, family, church and wedding planning.

November and December are not great months for wedding planning, with the holidays and with working retail. I did, however, book my bartender, and order my cake! I also got a few little things done like finalizing the guest list and typing the labels!

About a week ago, my maid of honor surprised my by coming over and wanting to talk all about the wedding and force me to do the one thing I have been dreading and tense about: making the Wedding Day time line. UGH! Shudder, shudder! But, with her help of course, we got it done, and our rough draft is actually pretty on. We also made a map of set up for the day of preparation. I felt soo accomplished! I should have known that a couple glasses of wine and hanging out with my best friend would do the trick!

One of the many things that has been stressing me out is the uncertainty of the day. I've heard from everyone, many times, "It will work out!" But... how do we know that it will?

I remind myself everyday that the most important part about this wedding is the marriage. I have been waiting a long time to be Mrs. Scott Sargent, and I will be in 65 days! I cannot believe it is actually happening. To be married to him is what I haven been dreaming of. We are not perfect for each other, but no one is. He is everything that I need to get though the day. He is nurturing, caring, the right amount of silly, not too controlling, patient and kind. I know that I push him, but he lets me. I need that :-) I love who I have become while I'm with him. I love him for so many reasons, I can't name them. I am just ready to be his wife and on our way to out honeymoon! Only 66 days til the beach :-)

I have a lot of wedding activities lined up for this week! Monday, my mom and I are going to talk flowers, I am going to finish all the bridesmaids gifts, I'm going to buy Scott's wedding ring, I'm going to mock an "Out of Towner's" bag, and most importantly... I am going to print and send out my invitations!!! I'm sure there are other things, but I will write about them next week!

Material Acommplishment.

So I just need to say that since most of the stuff I have ordered off the internet has arrived at my door already, I am really feeling like I have done something. It's funny, but it has taken spending money on things for me to really feel accomplished. But see? That is what it's all about. You can plan and plan and plan the perfect wedding and hope that it will all work out, but until you have actually purchased something and have a tangible piece of it in your hands, it doesn't feel like it will really happen.

I have received my unity candle and my toasting flutes, and they are gorgeous! I have also received the labels for the out of town bags, and I am glad that I ordered them. It was $14 well spent. I was going back and forth telling myself that I could make something for them, but for the great price, these labels are too cute! The personalized golf tees have also made it to my door! They are amazing! I am again glad that I went for it. I'm sure he'll be using them for a long time if they all don't get scooped away at the reception!

On another fun note, I went with Heather (MOH) to look for bridesmaids dresses, and after trying on a bunch, she found "The One"! She said that was exactly what she wanted and that made me so happy! It's beautiful, just like the other girls dresses. They are all completely different, yet all what I hoped they would be! I am excited to see all the girls together in their dresses!!! Now, we are just on a hunt for inexpensive yellow shoes!!!

My brain is racking with all of the things that I need to do! There is still so much! I just hope that it all comes together! There's still a lot of big tickets items on the table on both sides of the budget makers (us and my parents). I'm getting kinda anxious...

134 Days!!!

So as my time is winding down, the stress is coming on! I cannot believe in January, I was thinking, "Wow, I have over a year, so I will be fine!" Well, several financial crisis later, I am realizing that you just never know what is going to happen and when. You never know what road you are about to turn onto. It has been a struggle, but Scott and I have managed to keep our heads above water, and with the help of our friends and family, we are moving along quite nicely.

I know that you guys are dying for an update! You must be thinking that I haven't done anything for awhile! And, that is the truth. I have felt for a long time that I haven't gotten anything accomplished. That was until September hit, and since then, it has been one thing after another. After the dress purchase, it seemed like a road sign came into my way, saying, "Ok, you have bought the dress, now here is a list of all the other things that you have only 6 months to do!"

A few weeks ago in October, my mother and I purchased everything we would need for the centerpieces with the exception of the lemons themselves. I felt VERY accomplished after that. We got our favor bags, too. That was a sweet deal! And just this week, I was able to sit down and sort through the things I needed to get ordered, and after scouring the internet for the best deals (and they are our there! do not pay top dollar until you have been to places like Anne's Bridal Bargains, Weddingstar and MyWeddingLabels). And boy, do I feel good! I purchased my unity candle, Scott's dad's memory candle, my cake toppers, personalized golf tees, the labels for my out of town bags, and a few other things. And today...dun dun dun! Scott and I placed the deposit on our wedding and groom's cakes!! I couldn't be happier! I am getting exactly what I want, and I am not being nickeled and dimed to death! (Ask me where not to go, I will tell you).

So hooray!!! It's coming together. I really need to find some shoes for the day. I have had my eyes peeled, but so far, no yellow ones that I liked! The sooner I get the shoes, the sooner I can make 100% sure I don't need my dress hemmed.

And as great as I feel...I am constantly reminded that there are a gazillion things on the to do list! I actually think there are about 100 left on my list on Weddingwire, but I am sure there are others!

5 Months and counting...

So I had a fabulous weekend last weekend with my cousin Heidi in town. I got to show her all the progress I have made on the wedding plans and get her input on stuff.

It was a successful shopping trip with Mom on Friday. After visiting 3 Goodwills, buying 2 containers we aren't going to use, changing my mind completely, a quick visit to Walmart Foodmart for a bag of lemons, and several minutes of deciding, we bought the materials needed for my centerpieces! Oh, and did I mention I had no idea how many tables we were buying for until 20 minutes before I swiped my card? Crazy, I know! But that's not all...

When trying to assemble a mock centerpiece at home, our new plan sank. Haha, that's a pun, because actually, what ruined our plan was the fact that lemons FLOAT. I wanted to float candles above a vase full of lemons. Well, that did not work! We will figure something out I suppose!!!

Saturday brought excitement with the BIG reveal of my gown to my Mom, cousin and mom's best friend. Heather (MOH) learned how to put me in it! :-) It was an exciting moment, it was very well received! I am so excited to be a bride!

There are so many things to do... I am feeling the stress! I just wish it was here! I wish everything was finished and purchased and ready to go! But I have so many things to look forward to: my shower, my surprise-filled bachelorette party, my rehearsal party with all my family, and of course MY WEDDING! And my honeymoon... to the beach, Hubs!

Bored and crafty...

Look what I made today! Haha... it's silly, I know, but how cute will it be on our doorknob on our wedding night and our Honeymoon? By the way, I got the foam door knocker for 28 cents at Hobby Lobby, and already had all the letters from past projects.