Why can't I see?

Did you know that I used to be a writer? I did! I used to be a creative writer, I dabbled in all areas: prose, short story, free write, but focussed on poetry. It used to be that I could not break out my journal fast enough to write something down. I took all the classes in high school I was allowed by curriculum, I was a member of the Creative Writing Club for 3 years, and I was a contributing writer and editor to my high school's literary composition. I wrote for my high school newspaper, and was the solo sportswriter for the paper for 2 years. I was pretty good, too.

I have not written, creatively, since my freshman year of college, in 2003. Almost 6 years ago. Not only did I used to be a writer, I aspired to be one as well! If I were to transform back into that mindset, I would definitely need to break out my Little, Brown!!!

Someone asked me recently if where I was today was where I thought I would be when I graduated. Automatically, without a thought at all, my answer is no. I thought that I would be in my career, making money, happy as can be. I thought I would be a writer: a journalist, a teacher, a columnist. I thought I would be a college graduate. Daresay, I thought everything would be going well for me.

Now before you start thinking, wow! She has a job in economic crisis! She has a roof over her head and food on her table! She has family and friends that love and support her! What is she whining for? I know that I have all those things, I am blessed. I am 53 days from marrying the man of my dreams. But working for less than I am worth in a retail job, unfinished in my college path, clueless as to how I will be able to make things happen for myself, lost in my spirituality, seemily unmotivated, self conscious in my appearance, worrying about a sister who is in trouble, sad for an unemployed mother and envious of others is NOT where I thought I would be at 23.

What frusterates me the most is not my unfulfilled goals. It's that I cannot grasp a hold on letting go of my stress. Constant stress. I hold onto it all, never letting anyone help me. It has aged me, it has hurt me, it has strained me. I refuse to let go of the control of my life. Even to God. And this is a downfall for me.

Scott and I made the decision to persue a life with Christ together. We wanted to better ourselves, better our relationship and prepare for a life and family that is based in the pureness and love in Christ. That was over a year ago. I feel like Scott is attaining his goal of being closer to God and following a life that God wants. He just looks happier and has improved his way of living. I feel like I am standing just over the starting line, bitter and helpless.

I should be releshing in this time of my life. I am preparing for the happiest day of my life, before having children. My wedding day! And as excited as I am, this seems to be the most stressful time for me. I knew that it would be difficult and that there would be road blocks, but I feel like it is stressing me out, and one of the reasons is because marriage is one of those mile markers in your life that makes you think about where you are. It reminds me that I am unsatisfied with where I am professionally.

That said, I am completely satisfied with my relationship. I could not be marrying a better man, and I know how blessed I am. It's okay to be jealous, we are just as happy as we look! :-) And he supports me. He knows how I feel, and is happy to help me through it. But a lot of it, I am going to have to do on my own...