Why can't I see?

Did you know that I used to be a writer? I did! I used to be a creative writer, I dabbled in all areas: prose, short story, free write, but focussed on poetry. It used to be that I could not break out my journal fast enough to write something down. I took all the classes in high school I was allowed by curriculum, I was a member of the Creative Writing Club for 3 years, and I was a contributing writer and editor to my high school's literary composition. I wrote for my high school newspaper, and was the solo sportswriter for the paper for 2 years. I was pretty good, too.

I have not written, creatively, since my freshman year of college, in 2003. Almost 6 years ago. Not only did I used to be a writer, I aspired to be one as well! If I were to transform back into that mindset, I would definitely need to break out my Little, Brown!!!

Someone asked me recently if where I was today was where I thought I would be when I graduated. Automatically, without a thought at all, my answer is no. I thought that I would be in my career, making money, happy as can be. I thought I would be a writer: a journalist, a teacher, a columnist. I thought I would be a college graduate. Daresay, I thought everything would be going well for me.

Now before you start thinking, wow! She has a job in economic crisis! She has a roof over her head and food on her table! She has family and friends that love and support her! What is she whining for? I know that I have all those things, I am blessed. I am 53 days from marrying the man of my dreams. But working for less than I am worth in a retail job, unfinished in my college path, clueless as to how I will be able to make things happen for myself, lost in my spirituality, seemily unmotivated, self conscious in my appearance, worrying about a sister who is in trouble, sad for an unemployed mother and envious of others is NOT where I thought I would be at 23.

What frusterates me the most is not my unfulfilled goals. It's that I cannot grasp a hold on letting go of my stress. Constant stress. I hold onto it all, never letting anyone help me. It has aged me, it has hurt me, it has strained me. I refuse to let go of the control of my life. Even to God. And this is a downfall for me.

Scott and I made the decision to persue a life with Christ together. We wanted to better ourselves, better our relationship and prepare for a life and family that is based in the pureness and love in Christ. That was over a year ago. I feel like Scott is attaining his goal of being closer to God and following a life that God wants. He just looks happier and has improved his way of living. I feel like I am standing just over the starting line, bitter and helpless.

I should be releshing in this time of my life. I am preparing for the happiest day of my life, before having children. My wedding day! And as excited as I am, this seems to be the most stressful time for me. I knew that it would be difficult and that there would be road blocks, but I feel like it is stressing me out, and one of the reasons is because marriage is one of those mile markers in your life that makes you think about where you are. It reminds me that I am unsatisfied with where I am professionally.

That said, I am completely satisfied with my relationship. I could not be marrying a better man, and I know how blessed I am. It's okay to be jealous, we are just as happy as we look! :-) And he supports me. He knows how I feel, and is happy to help me through it. But a lot of it, I am going to have to do on my own...

Hooray for Invitations!

My mom and I just finished printing my wedding invitations! And response cards...and addres labels...and return address labels. Ahhh.... still not done. As I sat here (not in vain) printing each invitation off one by one, she put stamps on the response card envelopes and the invitation envelopes. We are now going to adorn each invite with ribbon, and then stuff them, and put the labels on.

Sigh.

But then they will be mailed! :-)

Sixty Five Days

So with a little encouragement, I am journaling today. (Thanks, JP)

If there are any brides or past brides out there, reading this, then the title of my post should be a indication of where I am mentally. I am going out of my mind with wedding to do's and trying to balance work, family, church and wedding planning.

November and December are not great months for wedding planning, with the holidays and with working retail. I did, however, book my bartender, and order my cake! I also got a few little things done like finalizing the guest list and typing the labels!

About a week ago, my maid of honor surprised my by coming over and wanting to talk all about the wedding and force me to do the one thing I have been dreading and tense about: making the Wedding Day time line. UGH! Shudder, shudder! But, with her help of course, we got it done, and our rough draft is actually pretty on. We also made a map of set up for the day of preparation. I felt soo accomplished! I should have known that a couple glasses of wine and hanging out with my best friend would do the trick!

One of the many things that has been stressing me out is the uncertainty of the day. I've heard from everyone, many times, "It will work out!" But... how do we know that it will?

I remind myself everyday that the most important part about this wedding is the marriage. I have been waiting a long time to be Mrs. Scott Sargent, and I will be in 65 days! I cannot believe it is actually happening. To be married to him is what I haven been dreaming of. We are not perfect for each other, but no one is. He is everything that I need to get though the day. He is nurturing, caring, the right amount of silly, not too controlling, patient and kind. I know that I push him, but he lets me. I need that :-) I love who I have become while I'm with him. I love him for so many reasons, I can't name them. I am just ready to be his wife and on our way to out honeymoon! Only 66 days til the beach :-)

I have a lot of wedding activities lined up for this week! Monday, my mom and I are going to talk flowers, I am going to finish all the bridesmaids gifts, I'm going to buy Scott's wedding ring, I'm going to mock an "Out of Towner's" bag, and most importantly... I am going to print and send out my invitations!!! I'm sure there are other things, but I will write about them next week!